I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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