I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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