I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
