i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
