my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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