When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize