I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
