Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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