I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Bring me that man meat
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
