Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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