I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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