oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
