if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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