I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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