I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
