we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
