I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
