It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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