you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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