Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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