Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
