I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
