Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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