If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
How external is "for external use only"?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize