Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
