I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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