Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
