pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
