just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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