he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
