my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
