I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
