The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize