There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize