The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
