i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
