did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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