Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
