I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Still dying that you shit outside
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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