I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
