Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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