I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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