All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
