Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
