There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
