Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
