if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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