next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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