Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
