i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
