Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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