I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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