Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Holy shit dude........stairs
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
