Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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