I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
