I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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