Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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