I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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