His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
