hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
