i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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