Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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