My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
