i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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