Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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