I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
