Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
