The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
