do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
