Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
