Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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