see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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