I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
